The night was once peaceful, but when I arrived home this one particular night, I just had this feeling that something wasn't right. I couldn't understand why I felt so uncomfortable, so I shrugged it off.. As I entered my empty townhouse, I set my keys on my desk, turned on my desk light, and plopped my bags of clothes by my window. I remember looking around the darkness and feeling disoriented. There was something that still didn't settle right.. I left my place and went for a walk, maybe get some air and gather my thoughts. I had no real destination; All I know is that I felt this need to run away, fall off the face of the Earth.. I walked for about 3 blocks, and just when things were beginning to ease itself, I felt a hand grab my shoulder. It all happened so fast; It took me a while to realize that this was actually happening. I turned around, and felt the cold blade enter my stomach.. I never got a good look at the son of a bitch, but the chicken shit ran off. I was left there, kneeling on the sidewalk, holding my new orifice. Trying to gather strength, I got up and tried walking home. I didn't get 10 feet, and that's when I called my then girlfriend.. At some point, I blacked out because the next thing I know, I'm sitting in a hospital room, where there were 4 cops, waiting to ask me questions about what happened.. I was in shock; I was traumatized, violated, yet they want to question me right after it happens?! What assholes.. I answered their questions the best I could considering that I was strapped to an IV. Though my story would come off inconsistent at times, they got what they wanted from me.. After they left, the doctors put me in a wheelchair and took me to the mental wing. I didn't even get to say goodbye to Kristi and Sam. It was like they just shooed them away, and it pissed me off. I didn't understand what was going on. Of it all, I didn't understand why I was going to the mental wing.. I was compliant; I wasn't going to doubt anything.. After talking to nurses and psychiatrists, they told me I had to stay there for 3 days...

Let me tell you what, I experienced some of the most freaky things within those 3 days. The first night I was there, I shared rooms with a girl who was just diagnosed with Diabetes type 2. This girl LOVED to eat, and for her to be put on a diet, she was pissed off. I remember being woken up at 8am to "I only get one fuckin pancake!? No wonder I'm so goddamn hungry in this place!!" After a few more hours, the nurses took me over to another room, where it was "more comfortable." That's when I met and got to know Renee. She was by far the coolest nurse there; She reminded me of the receptionist from The Office. I thought she was pretty.. Anyway, I ended up with a different room mate. Her name was Teresa. She was pretty cool, but she hadn't seen her kids in almost 2 months. So, she was depressed and pissed off about that. Then again, she had every right. I don't feel like explaining her story. It's not my business.. While being in the "more comfortable" side, I got to know some cool people (a guy from New Orleans (Blake) who was paralyzed and a guy (Jason) who knew more about laws and marijuana than anyone I've ever met), but we all saw things we didn't want to see, like a guy swallowing batteries from the TV remote, 8 cops trying to restrain my former room mate on the "other side," and this creepy guy with dementia... I was around a lot in that time span; I saw things I never thought I'd ever see, and I experienced things that leave me shivering at night..

Sure

Of all the adventures embarked,
of all the landmarks of time crossed,
never in my life have I been this sure..

Of all the stories told,
of all the unexpected moments,
never in my life have I been this sure..

Of all the songs ever heard,
of all the emotions expressed,
never in my life have I been this sure..

Sure.

I'm head over feet.
from head to toe.
So moved, so intrigued.

but I'm pretty sure I've never felt like this before.

Sure.

It's been a short amount of time, but within this time, I've learned so much about myself through you.

Sure.

I may be talking crazy, but that's just it..

Never have I been this sure, but I'm crazy for you, and only you...


There's nothing that I want more than to honor you, care for you, hold you, support you, but most of all love you.


Love is a scary word for me; It's something I never fully understood until I gazed into your beautiful brown eyes.

But never in my life have I been this sure.

I want to be with you.

Beautiful Girl

Beautiful Girl,
sitting on the stairway
today
Beautiful Girl,
wonders why it has to be this way
today
Beautiful Girl,
couldn't take anymore
So she walked out that door
today

Beautiful Girl,
she's walking on the beach
tonight
Beautiful Girl,
tries to catch things she can't reach
tonight
Beautiful Girl,
if you could open your eyes
so you can realize

Beautiful Girl,
there's more to life than crying
for the one that you loved

Beautiful Girl,
there's more to life than dying
for the one that you loved

'cause the one that you loved
could never see what I can see

A Beautiful Girl.

poop

I think I've lost my mind..

I haven't laughed since I can remember;
I haven't cried, felt excited, felt mad, or motivated in any way.

In fact, I haven't really spoken to anyone...

Just work, come home, sleep, wake up, repeat. That's my track..

I honestly hate it; I hate that I've degraded myself by surrendering to the mainstream ways of "living." It's so goddamn boring!

I think I've lost my mind. Have you seen it anywhere? While you're looking, you might find my heart down there.. Maybe, maybe not.

To be honest, I don't like talking about my problems. I don't the idea of having people listen to my sad sob while they have their own tears to shed. Why add that stress to someone else, right? So, that's why I blog.. I only say this so that you understand that I'm generally not a selfish, whiny bitch (which is the way I feel like I come off sometimes).. but today, however, I'm gonna be a whiner..

So, I broke my leg on Monday. 3 days of needing crutches kinda sucks, not gonna lie. I'm pretty lonely.. No, that's an understatement.. I'm extremely lonely and, not to mention, really stressed out..

What I Feel is Necessary

This is the gold at the end of the rainbow,
a letter in a time capsule,
a sword in a stone.

The symbolism..

It entails some of my most personal thoughts;
my questions,
my beliefs,
my soul.

I take no regard to whose eyes and curiosity wander to my words, though it is open for viewing. It would be fulfilling my values if my friends had the chance to read this, though I know they probably won't find this. Regardless, thanks to free will and the wonders of the internet, it will still be here.. So will everything else..

My mind gets so filled up with things, things that I know most people would not take kindly of. Only now, however, do I not give a shit.. Aaah! The beauty of writing.

Every word holds parts of my soul.
It's beautiful..
Life, and everything in it, is beautiful...

**It reminds me of the beginning scene in "Loving Annabelle" when the car drives up to the big catholic school for girls, and the rebel steps out: This reminds me of my exposition.**

- I'm no fashionista, nor do I keep up to date with the latest trends, but I pick out shit I like, collaborate, and incorporate myself into every outfit to make it work. Then again, isn't that every other girl's way of doing it?..

- However, I've never been very girly. In fact, I always remember being Ken instead of barbie, getting dirty instead of looking nice, being more interested in being outside with my dad instead of potentially playing dress up with my mom.

- Psychologists would observe this and tell me that the reason I'm not straight is because of the previous statement. In fact, I'm seeing this amazing girl, and I like where things are going with us.. I honestly couldn't be happier with her..

- I'm a very family-oriented person. If I don't go home at least once every 2 weeks, my folks shit a chicken. That's how close were are; We're more like friends/room-mates. When the previous topic is brought up, however, my family worries about me only because the possibility of having grandkids just went down the shitter.. Now my extended family, on the other hand.. It reminds me of being in a stereotypical mafia (Even in physical appearance and the fact that most of their last names is Buzzell, ha!), or better yet, the Capulet side (Romeo and Juliet). My dad's side can be the Montagues. That explains my family in a nutshell.

- Or maybe my perception is off.. It's something I always think about, perception. To imagine that there are more than 6 billion different perceptions circulating, 6 billion different brains and it all can be transferred through communication to have even more perceptions than you thought possible. The idea that there is so much knowledge out there. It excites me!

- Stimulation excites me. Thrills, adventures, stunts, sports, etc.. The physicality of the body amazes me because we are more capable than we think, and to exert yourself to your greatest level, getting to the greatest challenge; it sounds totally awesome!!

- I don't like taking the easy way in anything; I like a good challenge. Above all, I like that feeling when you know you've pushed yourself to the top, didn't the unpredictable, the seeming unbelievable..

- If you haven't noticed, I sound pretty motivated, don't I? Well, most of the time, I really am motivated. Reasoning behind that motivation, however, is like comparing it to a shit-eating grin. It's my shield in communication..

- I like what I can do when I'm motivated (and high).
I can create beautiful things,
I can understand philosophical and parapsychological things,
I feel more like myself,
I feel complete..

- In spontaneity: The only way I live
- Music at maximum volume: Mandatory
- Hanging with friends: Always. They're like my oxygen
- My 6 C's: Cars, Coffee, Caffeine, Cigarettes, Champagne, Chinese
- Nature: My best friend
- Religion: *Unitarian Universalist
-with Daoist/Alchemy/Wiccan/Naturist beliefs
- Inspirations (besides my friends): The 60's, Europe, the stories my parents tell, my grandpa, music, movies, nature, fine art, Quentin Tarantino, John Wayne, George Carlin, Jimi Hendrix, No Doubt, Zoe Bell, difference, her..
- The road is long and hard (but not full of semen.. SICKOS!), but it's all in the matter of how you get through it. I believe some of the things I've been through were definitely not ordinary, but they shaped the type of person I am, and I couldn't be more proud of that..

In fact, I couldn't be more proud of how far I've come and made it this far.. I guess never thought of that until now... Wow, it really is like finding gold at the end of a rainbow..

Wtf

I sit here in this dark room and wonder what the fuck just happened.. With me, I have this laptop, my homework, bare necessities to get me by tomorrow, etc. I sit in this practice room, hoping no one notices that I've just vacated here. Then again, who the fuck cares? It's past midnight..

Whatever..

This is what it comes down to, I guess.. When you live in a car, anything goes. The world is your playground, and this school happens to be your home base. I feel like a hippie who just goes around and plops wherever, lives however, and does whatever, and it's great for the most part. I just wish I had a place for now though..

Anyway, if you haven't noticed, I'm slightly drunk and I feel the need to vent right now..

I have no fucking idea about anything. All I know is that everything is up in the air. I'd usually be okay with this, but for some reason, I'm not.. I'm not okay with having important things like stability be up in the air. That's just something everybody needs, you know?

But what do I know? What does anybody know?? Is there any sort of truth out there, or is all logic just a joke?

Who knows..


All I know is, this week was off the wall, and I really really need some sunshine and heat..